Writing Your Resilience Podcast Episode 53
How to Gaslight-Proof Your Writing Practice
Lisa Ellison [0:00]
Well, hello everyone. Welcome to 2025! This is the first episode of season five, which is how I am launching into the new year. I am so grateful to be with you today, and I am so grateful for all of you who have been listening all along. Thank you so much for being here. You have no idea how grateful I am for your presence and support. It just means so much to me. If this is the first episode you're listening to, I want to welcome you aboard. I am so glad you've decided to join us.
This is going to be a banner year. This is something I've been hearing over and over, which means it's going to be a year of a lot of change. That doesn't necessarily mean it has to be all bad, but anytime change is happening, it’s going to get a little uncomfortable. We have to think about how we’re going to navigate our creative lives in ways that are sustainable in a time likely to have a lot of change. That’s why I’m starting this season with building a gaslight-proof writing practice. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today.
To gaslight-proof your writing process, we need to understand what gaslighting is and how we tend to gaslight ourselves. That’s something we call self-gaslighting. So, we’re going to talk about those things to make sure we have a shared understanding of this topic. Then we’ll look at how this shows up in our writing lives—what it looks like—so we can begin to catch ourselves when it’s happening. I’ll also share four tools to gaslight-proof your writing practice. And if you want even more tools, you can download a copy of my Write More, Fret Less Toolkit, where you’ll get tons of tools to help you build a sustainable, joyful writing practice in 2025.
Alright, so let’s begin with the word "gaslighting." You hear it everywhere, and it’s often used incorrectly, so let’s be clear about what it is. Gaslighting is an intentional form of manipulation often used by narcissists to control others. When you’re gaslit by someone, they devalue your experience. They don’t tell you that you’re wrong; they tell you that what you think is happening isn’t actually happening. You start to discount your feelings and experiences. Words like "crazy making" are often used in connection with gaslighting. When someone gaslights you, they make you feel crazy. This is very different from someone disagreeing with you. Someone can disagree with you all day long, and they’re not gaslighting you, even if it makes you angry. When you feel gaslit, you feel crazy.
Certain people are more vulnerable to experiencing this. If you’re in an abusive relationship, especially with a narcissist, or you come from an invalidating environment where love was conditional, you're more likely to gaslight yourself or be susceptible to gaslighting. If that's your experience, just own it and say, “Yeah, I need to be gentle with myself, and I need a lot of awareness around what's happening.” This happens a lot for trauma survivors, especially those with a fawning trauma response, which looks like people-pleasing. You freeze in some way to survive and then beat yourself up for it. Let’s not do that. We need awareness and a lot of love for ourselves.
If you want to learn more about this, I highly recommend the episode I did with Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She’s incredible. You need to get her book It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. These tools will give you a deep dive, though we’re not going to cover all of that today. For now, let’s define self-gaslighting. When we self-gaslight, we discount our own experiences. We minimize our frustrations and tell ourselves how we feel isn’t how we should feel. We have unhealthy and damaging expectations of ourselves.
This is easy to do, especially because of how our world works. I’ll explain why this is happening more today than in the past, though it’s not like it didn’t happen before, but it’s happening more now.
Before we dive into that, let’s talk about what self-gaslighting looks like in your writing practice. One of the biggest things I see writers do is discount the process. Many writers come to writing later in life. They’re smart, capable, and creative, but they expect to get an A+ and churn something out quickly with very little effort. When they face rejection, get negative feedback, or take longer than expected, they feel like something’s wrong with them. Then they beat themselves up: "Why is this so hard? Why isn’t it working for me?"
The reality is that writing is a craft. It’s an art form that takes time to learn and master. I often use the analogy of a car to help people build gentleness around the process. Most of us are comfortable being in and around cars. We know how cars work. But being a storyteller is like being a master mechanic. You can’t just know how to drive a car; you need to know how to rebuild the engine, diagnose problems, and more. Most of us don’t come to the table with those skills, and that’s okay. We just haven’t learned them yet. Writing takes a long time because you’re learning to be a master mechanic of storytelling. You have to embrace that.
It’s also hard when the ego gets involved. Ego minimizes both our frustrations and triumphs. We can minimize our triumphs by saying, "I got this draft done, but I should have published it already" or "I got this publication, but it wasn’t in the New York Times, so maybe it’s not good enough." We discount our frustrations too. It’s hard when you’re not making the progress you hope for, or when distractions keep you from writing. It can feel isolating, especially when others appear to be having easy success. Social media can make it seem like no one else is frustrated, but you’re not alone. Most writers are sensitive, and it’s okay to feel those big feelings. You’re not doing it wrong.
We also tend to self-gaslight by discounting our creative intuition. Everyone has an inner knowing about their story, even when they don’t know exactly where it’s going. What can happen is that we get feedback from others, even editors like me, and we may over-rely on that feedback, hoping for affirmation. But what if that feedback doesn’t align with your vision? Many writers will discount their own inner knowing to please the reviewer. It's okay to consider feedback, but if it doesn’t align with your vision, that’s self-gaslighting.
Another way we gaslight ourselves is by blaming ourselves unnecessarily for rejections. Rejection is a normal part of the process, but it can feel demoralizing. It can make you feel like your work—and you—are bad. But rejection doesn’t mean your work is bad. It’s highly competitive in publishing, and there are only a limited number of slots. You might be an amazing writer whose work simply hasn’t found the right home yet.
Think about how these things have shown up in your own writing life in 2024 and before. As we head into 2025, think about one thing you’d like to let go of and do differently. Preparing for a sustainable, gaslight-proof writing practice means retuning your practice for what’s ahead.
There are common ways we self-gaslight, and they’re very normal. I’ve done all these things too, and I’m not immune to them. But when we anticipate change in a year that could be filled with unpredictability, we must strengthen our practices to make them sustainable.
When a lot of change happens, it disrupts your writing practice. It’s possible that some changes, personal or global, will feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. It might catch you off guard and feel destabilizing. This could happen at any time in life, as I experienced in 2023 when my dad got sick, needed surgery, and I had to travel unexpectedly. During this time, I had to figure out how to navigate my writing life amidst unpredictability.
Sometimes, attending to your writing means letting go of the pressure to produce. You can still write about anything, but during turbulent times, give yourself a break. If you produce something, great—but don’t feel like you must. Let your writing unfold in its own time.
Building a gaslight-proof writing practice is about doing the work to prevent blocking yourself. So, what do you do when the year ahead is unpredictable and destabilizing? There are three things you need to do:
- Awareness
- Compassion
- Reality testing
Awareness is the first step. When you catch yourself self-gaslighting, give yourself compassion. Speak kindly to yourself, like: "It’s okay that this feels scary," or "Anyone would be frustrated in this situation." After that, reality test the situation. Understand that rejections don’t reflect your worth.
Now that we’ve talked about the antidotes, let’s go over some tools to gaslight-proof your writing practice.
1. Build a writing community.
Having a community of fellow writers helps normalize the process. Whether in person or online, connecting with others reduces isolation and boosts your writing process. If you can’t meet in person, Zoom or Facebook groups are great alternatives.
2. Do less.
Especially at the start of the year, slow down. Rest and make space for wonder and creativity. If you’re constantly rushing, it’s harder to process changes and challenges when they come. Learning to go slower and accept that things take time is key.
3. Learn the process.
Understand what writing really looks like, especially for experienced writers. Familiarize yourself with the revision process and other important stages to reduce stress. You can learn more about the process and how to gaslight-proof your writing practice by getting a copy of my Write More, Fret Less Toolkit.
4. Watch your environment.
Be mindful of the inputs around you, especially comparison. Social media can foster comparison, but it’s important to focus on what’s real for you. Avoid negativity from the news and be cautious of relationships that drain you.
By adjusting these areas, you can create a sustainable writing practice for 2025, regardless of external challenges. I’m excited for this year and hope it’s smooth sailing for all of us. But no matter what happens, I want to be prepared with a strong, resilient writing practice.
I’ll end with two quotes. First, from Maya Angelou: “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” And from Brené Brown: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Take these words with you into 2025. Own your story, love yourself, and build your gaslight-proof writing practice. I’m looking forward to walking this journey with you!
