Writing Your Resilience podcast transcript for How to Return to Your Memoir After Loss and How to Navigate Your Author Platform as a Trauma Survivor

Welcome to the first episode of my season of summer shorts, a series of shorter, sweeter episodes where you'll hear from writers working in the trenches right alongside you. Each week they'll share their fears, doubts, and questions they have about the craft of writing and the writing life. Consider it your backstage pass to my coaching practice. 

This week, you'll hear from Camp Structure alumni Shoshana Koch, a psychologist, writer, and speaker who's working on a coming-of-age memoir. During this episode, we explore the challenges trauma survivors face when building an author platform, how to deal with rejection, and how to reengage with a writing project after you’ve had to let it go. 

Before we get to our conversation, I have a few questions for you. What struggles do you face when developing your author platform? Which ones feel especially difficult? Have you ever set a project aside due to a loss or major change in your life? How did you make this decision? What feelings do you have about re-engaging with it now? I hope you'll ponder these questions as you listen along. Now let's get to my conversation with Shoshana Koch.

Lisa [0:00]
Why hello there, Shoshana! I am so glad that you are here today on the Writing Your Resilience podcast. Welcome.

Shoshana [0:05]
Thank you. Wonderful to be here.

Lisa [0:07]
So, we have been working together for a while, and I am so honored to have you here today because you have some questions that I know other people are also wrestling with. Would you like to share one of those questions?

Shoshana [0:22]
Yes. I am curious about how you would advise somebody or support somebody, knowing that we have to lean into building an author platform—namely, a literary portfolio, a literary resume of companion, adjacent personal essays, smaller pieces to our manuscript, the book that we one day hope and intend to publish. How one navigates that process, which is a necessary process, with a background of significant pervasive trauma, complex trauma, in which invisibility played a significant role in terms of neglect and erasure and dehumanization? How does one continue to pitch and receive a significant portion of rejections as well as silence amidst the sprinklings of acceptance? And how not to be mired in that?

Lisa [1:37]
Yes, such a great question. Because all writers struggle with rejection in the process of getting their work out there. And, you know, we're told this is what we're supposed to do. And so, figuring out the what, the when, and how to navigate the process is so, so, so important. So, I want to talk in generalities first about struggles that writers often have, especially if they have a trauma history.

So, one of the first things that they struggle with is being seen, right? If you have had experiences in your life where either you were seen and dangerous things happened, or bad things happened, or you weren’t seen and that was a pain point, the process of putting your work out there—just even trying—can be so vulnerable and not just vulnerable, painful, I mean, just absolutely painful. My heart is just connecting with yours because, as a fellow trauma survivor, I have experienced that so many times. And so that is one area that we can really struggle with.

Another thing we can struggle with is not just the act of putting ourselves out there, but what the hell we put out there. Trauma survivors, and I know because you have clinical training in trauma, I mean, that’s one of the gifts that you bring to the table, can struggle with boundaries: either sharing too much and then feeling overly vulnerable, or not knowing how to be authentic because keeping everything behind some sort of curtain or mask feels a lot safer. Figuring that out is also an issue.

And then we can get into that all-or-nothing thinking, especially when we're in the silence. When you have experienced neglect—and I say "you" in the general sense, like all people who’ve experienced neglect—your mind can become such a bad neighborhood, and you can begin to build all these stories around what the silence means. If you are trying to submit to literary publications where you have this long period of silence, oh my gosh, it can be so, so hard to deal with that and to feel like the silence means failure. And not just that the work is bad, but you are bad. We can connect those two things together. Is any of that resonating for you?

Shoshana [4:04]
Yes, absolutely. Particularly the experience of it potentially, if we allow it, reinforcing a sense of brokenness or not belonging, not having a story worth telling. Even though you know it is, you know it is not only in your heart but because people like yourself and people acquainted with story and writing and publishing are like, "Yes, this is compelling. Yes, keep going." Despite that, you, in the midst of that silence or the rejections, it can reinforce that fracturedness that is the legacy of trauma.

Lisa [4:53]
Absolutely. So, one of the first things you want to consider is what medium is going to be the best medium for you to share your work. When we think about a portfolio or a platform, it can involve lots of different things. Tia Levings, who is one of the guests on the podcast, doesn’t have a lot of publications beyond her memoir. So, her platform is largely Instagram, and she also has this movie that she was in, Shiny Happy People. Your platform can be a lot of different things. You want to think about what brings me joy? Where do I feel authentic? And how do I feel safe? Because I think that’s the first thing that we want to do, so that we can dip our toes in the water of publishing, whatever that is for us.

When it comes to what kinds of pieces you publish, you might want to think about what is the form that is most comfortable to me. So, it could be, you know, I want to start with things that focus on other people. Maybe I’m going to do interviews of other writers, or I’m going to write book reviews because then I know what I’m doing is in service to others, so it’s not so much about me. That can be a safe way to begin to develop the tolerance for the discomfort. Maybe op-eds, especially if something feels fully cooked for you and there’s a little bit of anger there. You can use that anger to motivate yourself. That way, you’re not just practicing putting yourself out there with work that is going to feel less sensitive if rejections come in. Let’s face it, rejections come in for all of us. That can be one way to do it. And then you’re also developing boundaries on how much you want to share about your experiences. That can also be important to think in these other ways because a mistake that I often see memoirists doing is thinking that, oh, publication means cut out a portion of my manuscript and send that off to be published. Yeah, and I know that’s not, it’s definitely not what you’re doing at all because I’ve seen the beautiful essays that you’ve been working on, so I know that’s the case. But I wanted to send that shout out there because that’s something that people do. So, it’s about finding work that feels fully cooked for you. And that means it’s processed in some way. And, that it’s a form that’s going to have a high chance of getting out there.

Shoshana [7:22]
Something you said really resonated, which is that as much as possible, we need to be complete with the work that we're trying to put into the world. This idea of fully cooked—not that we have to have full resolution 100%, because we’re always in relationship with it, spirals of healing, all of that—but with this idea, there’s a sense of cohesion, there’s a sense of completion before sending it out.

Lisa [7:58]
Absolutely, especially with your early works, thinking about that idea of writing into the scar rather than the wound. So be sure that these early works, especially—and I would say always, because it’s just a good boundary to have—that you’re writing from the scar, not the wound, in terms of things that are for a public audience. You can, of course, write into the wound if it’s for yourself. So that’s one piece.

And then there’s the piece of what do you do with the silence? How do you navigate that? One thing that I would say, especially in the beginning, is to lower your expectations. Because I think when we first start writing, we’re like, writing is fun. It’s awesome. People have told me I’m good at it. Therefore, I’m going to get published. We all have these fantasies. And, of course, we have to have these fantasies. These fantasies are the things that help us keep going. If you think it’s hopeless, why would you do this, right?

Shoshana [9:00]
In fact, when you allow yourself to submit or become resigned to that hopelessness or that sense of pointlessness, it’s dangerous territory for a writer. It can stop you in your tracks. I know from personal experience.

Lisa [9:19]
Oh, I’ve had it happen to me a bunch of times where I’ve had either a rejection that hurt badly because I expected a yes, or I just had a bunch of rejections, and I was like, this is not fun anymore. So, I think those things can definitely happen.

Something that a mentor of mine, Sharon Harrigan, said a few years back was, "Get to 100 rejections, because when you do, things will change." That sounded like an impossible number at the time, but she was so right. It’s because I didn’t just like send out 100 things. I learned from every rejection that I had, and I kept working on my craft. The more I did that, the more it opened things up to me. Does that mean that I never get rejected? Absolutely not. Every writer, no matter how talented, gets rejected. It’s just part of being a writer.

But what you want to do is, in addition to expecting that rejections are part of the process, not allowing yourself to exist in the silence. One of the best ways to do that is to connect with other writers, and even set up a situation where you’re celebrating the rejections as something that you are building up. You’re like, "Yes, I am 10 more towards my 100." Cheering it on reframes it in your mind, and it can help you feel better about that process. You can also talk to other writers about their rejections, not just the celebrations of the ones that they got out there, but really finding out what it’s like for other people. That way, you’re not thinking that it’s just you.

Shoshana [11:04]
Yeah, I love the 100 rejections adage and writerly advice. I’ve heard that as well, and it’s a 2024 goal to pitch that number of times. Develop that muscle because it’s a muscle.

Lisa [11:22]
Absolutely.

Shoshana [11:24]
And also, I think I’m really working on keeping it a distinct parallel process to the writing, the composition, the editing, the creativity—that this is something else. Yes, they’re running along together, but they are distinct.

Lisa [11:47]
Absolutely. It's almost like a second job and it requires a different set of skills, a different mindset, everything. And so, I love that you're doing that. That is beautiful. Because what can happen if we're just focusing on the publication process, or we see that as, you know, the same as our writing process, is that we can experience burnout, and it can suck the joy out of the process, or the thing that brings us so much life. Yeah, yeah.

Shoshana [12:18]
Exactly. Sometimes you do legitimately need to continue editing and refining something and getting it in the most polished position and form that it can be. But also, sometimes I've been using this mantra, right: "right package, wrong address." Like, yes, I love that. You know, there's nothing wrong with what I'm submitting here. This, I have worked this to the bone, this is what it is, that was the wrong address, that was not the right home, it did not want to land among that literary magazine or media outlet. Its home is elsewhere. And I have to just keep thinking that.

Lisa [13:05]
That is so beautiful, and I love that: right package, wrong address. Because that was the last thing, I was going to say is develop some kind of mantra, whatever that is for you. And this is going to be a quote card, I can already tell for this episode because it's so good. Yes, you want to really understand that rejection is not about you. There are so many factors that go into it. You know, an editor could have figured out the theme for their issue or what they're working on. And what you've created and sent to them is beautiful in and of itself, but it just doesn't fit with everything else they have. Therefore, they have to reject it. In the end, it's a kindness, especially if they don't publish that often. Because then you can get your work out somewhere else, possibly faster. So, all those things are great strategies to use and to hold on to. And that leads to your second question, which is about the creative process.

Shoshana [14:06]

 Yes, it certainly is. Okay, so question two is, as you know, Lisa, I had to push pause on my manuscript in progress due to pretty cataclysmic loss in March of 2023. And so, my estranged mother died of her addiction, and the grief and loss around that was protracted and complex. Yeah. And one of the things I knew I would not, I did not want to do in that grieving, was continue to write this memoir in which the trauma bond with my mother is so present. It's such a core part of that narrative. But I wanted to grieve her in a different way. And I felt that that would interfere with it. So that's when I pivoted and began working on personal essays, these like companion pieces to the memoir, taking Sue Shapiro's class to learn about pitching the media outlets, like, you know, really trying to develop a different skill set, so that I can stay in the game, so that I can keep writing and not let it go. However, it is 2024. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary date of her death. And I do feel in a different place with it. Obviously, the grief is much less raw and acute. And I'm wanting to re-engage with the memoir, but I have reservations and concerns about what can sometimes feel like going back into the trauma vortex, or tunnel, or cave. Because it is a narrative that includes a lot of trauma. And I just want to move with intention, and I want to be steady and strong as I re-enter that story and that world.

Lisa [16:21]
I just want to honor the depths of that loss. There is no good time to lose a parent. And when those relationships are fraught, when estrangement is involved, it just deepens the sense of loss, and it makes it more complicated. There are so many other layers to work through. And you have done a beautiful job showing up to that loss, being with it, and setting boundaries with the writing so that you could do that work, and not feel triggered by these other things that you could be working on. And so, I love that you did that. 

And now it's a matter of thinking about, okay, I was away from my project. And this is a project that I've worked on really, really hard, put a lot of energy into it. So, what's next? One thing that I would say, and this is for anyone who is grieving a really intense loss, the first year is always really hard. Yeah, and the month leading up to the anniversary can be a little unpredictable. So, my first invitation would be, don't make any decisions, or don't do anything until after that anniversary is over with, because you want to just make space for whatever that is. And you know, for some people, there's a lot of tension that builds up before the anniversary, and then the anniversary itself is a moment of release and relaxation. So just allow for that to happen. And then, you know, it sounds like something inside you is saying it's time to re-engage. And so first make sure that that's not a message from your brain, like, oh, everybody's working on stuff I should be. Like, that's about ego, right? So, make sure it's not that but that it's like some sense of calling. Because when we've been away from a manuscript, and especially when characters within that manuscript have impacted what's going on in the story, you want to listen to the body. And you may get to that time and say, you know what, still not yet. Or not at all, and it's time to work on something else. Honor whatever that is. And then if you say, not yet, or even not at all, and that not at all can change, honor the fact that that is your wise self telling you that there's something else to work on. It is not a shutting of the door, it is an opening of the window, you just aren't sure what's there yet. So be sure that it actually is the time. And then if it is the time, if you have that body knowing and that body wisdom knowing sense about it, it is usually a relaxation of the muscles and exhale, there's usually a lack of tension involved. Tension or justification is a sign that you're not ready. So, after you've decided, yes, it's time. The first thing you want to do is ask yourself has the story I want to tell fundamentally changed. Because when you have a significant loss like this, or any other significant change that takes you away from a manuscript, you're going to have some lessons learned that might clarify or change what you're going to do. So, give yourself permission to shift the narrative. If that's what needs to happen, you can stay with the same story, but you don't have to stay with the same story. And in either way, do some journaling before you dive in and say, what have I learned? How has this relationship changed? What wisdom am I now bringing to this experience that I didn't have before? And looking back, who am I? Because that person is different.

Shoshana [20:21]
Yeah, well, I mean, just from a craft point of view, something that we spoke about was how my capacity to render her character, who is a primary character, with more tenderness is much stronger now. Because I'm free of that rage and the anger that was required to hold the boundary for so long with her. And that will make for a truer story. Yeah, then then the way I was depicting that relationship on the page, but I really appreciate the reminder of that one-year honoring, that one full year, because I have thought about that. I have thought, you know, you could, you could also wait till the end of March once her death date passes. Due to other losses in my life, I am aware that particularly the time around death anniversaries, and especially the first year, are tenuous, they're there, they're, you don't know what's going to happen. Like you said, they're unpredictable. So just thank you, I appreciate that reminder, that's a very important reminder, because I have a bit of a sense of urgency. And part of it is that I've experienced so much loss in my life, that I'm like, nothing's guaranteed, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. And there's a part of me that's like, it's, you know, you say you want to write three memoirs, before you die, you're 42, you better get cracking, like, these things take a long time. And so, I know that that is not a grounded place to make choices from, but it is part of my motivation. That sense of just you never know. And I'm rereading the Yoga Sutras, and the first one is, and now we start the practice of yoga. It's like an invocation. It's like now it's not like, you don't know what's coming. And what's past is gone now, like act now. So, I have a little bit of that kind of spurring me on, if that makes any sense.

Lisa [22:53] 

And I think a common feeling that many writers have is that they are behind, that there's a thousand things to do out there, and I am behind on all of them. And that alone can create urgency, and there is nothing wrong with acting now. I think taking the right step, that is always the most important part and figuring out what that is, and checking in with your body, honoring anniversaries. And then, you know, reading your manuscript, and asking yourself, what was the mission of this project? Was the mission to heal me? Was the mission to serve others in some way? Has that mission changed? And looking at that, and then you can begin to look at the craft of the writing, the perspective you're taking, when you're examining this, the question that you're answering, because sometimes the question that drives our first few drafts, which is usually what happened to me, changes to something else. And a loss can clarify that, or it can make it fuzzy for a while. And either one is right, you know, but just to begin to say, what is the question? How does this serve me, in terms of working on this more, and I think that's important. And I think in your case, because I know your manuscript, there might be some very profound opportunities to shift things inside yourself by working on this more. But I know other people who they've been working on something where there's a lot of high trauma, you know, a lot of—and when I'm talking about high trauma, I'm talking about writing about situations that when you are working on them, they are activating your nervous system in some way. Right and—

Shoshana [24:41] 

So yeah, it's the worst. It is. We've talked about this like first drafts are my memoir. I developed migraines. I got, oh my god, what is it, shingles the day after I submitted the full manuscript to my mentor. I mean, it's like insane the amount of somatic presentation of the trauma and the ways your whole system can get hijacked by writing those memories. Absolutely.

Lisa [25:10] 

Yeah. So, what I would tell anyone is you do not have to keep reliving that experience or those experiences, especially if you don't have a new way to frame them. Because when you're framing them in the same, this is what happened to me way, even if you're trying to make it more beautiful and you're trying to learn the craft of writing, what you're teaching your nervous system is to be activated, and to stay in that state of hyper-vigilance and to reinforce the trauma and the pain. And that is not of service to you, and it's not of service to others. So we are out of time, there are a thousand things we could talk about with this, because it is such wonderful, rich material. What is the last thing that you would like to say?

Shoshana [25:58] 

Well, just that I think a lot of it too, is connecting to dharma, that it's about this is part of what I'm here to do. For others. This is what—this is a huge way that I can be of service to humanity. And the more I connect to that, that like higher purpose of the project, of my own creative expression, the more easeful the whole process becomes for me. The sense of urgency even slips away. There's like, I have all the time in the world when I come from that place. Absolutely. So, I just have to keep remembering that.

Lisa [26:41] 

Yeah, you do have all the time in the world. And if you listen to some of the episodes that have already aired, you will hear over and over again, especially an episode that is coming to my mind right now is Melanie Brooks' episode, the number of times she was rejected, the amount of—the number of years she had to wait was absolutely mind-blowing, given her talent and the beauty of her story, but that by waiting, the right moment came about and her work got published. So, and that will happen for you. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Shoshana [27:12] A deep bow.

Lisa [27:13] A deep bow right back at you. It was so wonderful to have you here.